Mommy and Me

I ran across a rant of sorts yesterday from a couple of young mothers seemingly at their wits' end with their children.
Their five-year-olds are driving them crazy, misbehaving, refusing to clean their rooms. Shouldn't five-year-olds be more responsible?
Shouldn't they listen to their mothers and just obey, for goodness sake?
I mean, should children of this age force their mothers to raise their voices, threaten, and demand obedience?
After all, they're five years old.
Now that they can "think for themselves," it's time to at least expect decent behavior.
Isn't it?
Well, isn't it?

Now, I'm a seasoned mother of four, so I've seen 5 years old four times already. And I have years of mothering experience and lots of frustration under my belt, and I'd like to tell these young mothers that I certainly empathize.
Being a full-time, stay-at-home mommy is hard, often frustrating work.
But I'd like to ask them to step back and imagine the hard work and frustration involved in being 5.
Yes, that's right.
It's hard to be a little kid.
And a child's mommy should never be his or her adversary.
Now, I don't believe in un-parenting. I don't believe that rules and discipline stifle a child's imagination.
But it's time to take a hard look at your priorities, ladies.

Is it so important to have a child pick up his or her room every single day? Is that really the most important lesson for your five year old to learn today? Or even tomorrow? Do you really think threatening a five-year-old with punishment or declaring you will charge him if you clean up his toys for him is the message you want your child to get from you? His mommy?
When my boys were little they could mess up a room, heck the entire floor of a house, in an afternoon of play. They liked to build cities using Legos, blocks, Tinker Toys, Little People, basically every single toy in the house, that covered the floors of entire rooms. It used to bother my husband to come home to this "mess" and he wanted it cleaned up right away.
But the boys had spent all day on their creation and would continue to play with it the next day. I asked him how he would feel had he spent an entire day of work, only to be told to remove it and start over the next day.
He changed his mind.

Now, that doesn't mean we lived in a perpetually messy house. But I knew it was too much to ask of a young child to pick up and sort all those toys.
The best strategy? To help them pick up.
That's right.
Help them.
Even though I had other things I needed, even wanted to do, when it was time to clean up, I helped them do it.

Why? Shouldn't they be expected to clean up their own messes?
Well, partly because it was a kind thing to do. But also because it is too much to ask of a five-year-old to put away and organize alone. There was a benefit to working alongside my little ones as well; we had great conversations during clean up, I could help them learn how to go about such a task, they learned organization skills, and more.

What about the misbehaving? Purposeful disobedience?
Most often I discovered that naughty behavior came about because my kids weren't getting enough of my time and attention.
That's right. My children's behavior often reflected their need for more "mom."
So, maybe you have a home business, younger children, older adults you're caring for... it's easy to get overwhelmed and self-involved. You think you're giving your child enough attention, you think the attention you're giving ought to be enough, for goodness sake. You have too much to do in a single day, can't that five-year-old just behave?
Well, no.
What other way does a young child have to tell his mommy that he needs more of her than to misbehave. Maybe it's time to set aside your business, cut back your hours, reduce some of your socializing, or homeschooling, and just be with your child.
To do this, you will make sacrifices.
You will ask your friends, your family, your spouse for more help.
And that's as it should be.
Your number one priority needs to be your little ones.

And you know what?
When they're bigger, say teenagers? They still need to be your number one priority.

Rearing children is not like training dogs. The number one thing I want from my children is their love and respect. But if I don't teach them how to show respect through my own behavior, how will they learn? Through loving and respectful interaction with my children, I have maintained wonderful, emotionally close relationships with all four of them.
We've never had "rebellious" teens, at least in part because my kids didn't really have a lot to rebel against. That's not to say there weren't limits or rules, because there certainly were. But our rules were "family" rules, not rules imposed on the children from the all-powerful, authoritarian parents.

It's not easy being a mommy.
But the last thing you want to do is create an adversarial relationship with your child. Walk with your little one, hand-in-hand, together through life.
Believe me, the rewards are boundless.