Rule breaker

Now, that is a title I never would have thought applied to me.
In school, I was always the good girl - good grades, polite, well-behaved. If I ever broke a rule, I did it on the sly, always knowing how to cover my trail so I didn't get caught. Not that I did this often, but I do remember pulling a fast one on my band teacher in middle school. We were supposed to keep a daily practice chart and have a parent sign it weekly.
Guess who neglected to do so?
I remember being to afraid to tell my mom that I had forgotten (didn't want to get in trouble), though I'm not sure what she would have done. So I filled in all the spaces with reasonable practice times and asked my mom to show me how she wrote her signature. I then took the paper with her signature and wrote over the top of it to make an impression on the form underneath.
I tried to go over the indentations with pen, but needless to say, it wouldn't have taken a forensics expert recognize the fakery.
What to do?
I couldn't not turn it in, as that would get me in trouble at school; and I certainly couldn't tell my mom now since the evidence of my attempted forgery was so, well, obvious.
It was then I had a stroke of brilliance. I took the form and ran it under the faucet - not too much, but just enough that I could smudge the ink of the signatures and wrinkle the paper up real well. Then, when I turned it in, I told my teacher I had dropped it in the snow.
And of course he believed me.
I was the good girl, remember?
Whew. Just reliving that desperate act of my youth made my anxiety spike.
There have been other instances, both big and small, when I have broken the rules... but not by much.
It wasn't until I decided to take my three youngest out of public school 8 years ago that my desire to live by the rules, or rather, my fear of breaking the rules, began to fade.
The biggest stumbling block I faced in deciding to home school, other than the fear that I'd bring my kids home and make them stupid, was going against the norm.
And when I say fear, I mean FEAR.
I don't remember there being any specific fears, it was just plain scary to do something so... radical; something other people could point at and question. Add to that the decision to "mostly" unschool and the idea of fitting into social norms pretty much flew by the wayside. Though at first it was difficult to answer well-meaning questions honestly. "What curriculum do you use?" "How many hours a day do the kids study?" "Do you have school in the summer?"
I often found it easier to fib than to explain the philosophy of unschooling.
My rule-breaking has since increased, though I no longer feel the need to cover it up. My decision to no longer be a hypocrite by attending a church I didn't believe in evolved into my ability to flatly state that I am an atheist.
I cook from scratch, my home is way too furry, and yes, I raise chickens in my urban backyard. I make my own pickles, can tomatoes, and read for hours to my girls nearly every day. We rarely eat at the dinner table anymore, instead enjoying an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" while balancing our plates on our laps. (Hmm, I need to look for some old-fashioned TV trays...)
Where am I going with this?
Oh yes, my most recent failure to follow the rules.
I joined the Eat from the Pantry Challenge and was an abject failure.
That's right - no sooner had I vowed to spend no more than $200 on groceries for the month of January than I felt confined. I did well the first couple of weeks, but then orange juice went on sale for 77 cents a half gallon and peanut butter for only 99 cents a jar. I felt the strain of my self-imposed restrictions almost immediately.
Suddenly, despite quarts of frozen strawberries, blueberries and applesauce in my freezer, all I could think of was going to Costco for some fresh fruit - kiwi called to me, blackberries beckoned, and tomatoes taunted.
When milk went on sale for 88 cents a half gallon, I couldn't justify passing that by, so 20 half gallons soon graced my refrigerator shelves. Cheese on sale for less than $2 a pound? Load me up, please.
In all fairness, I did eat from my pantry, which by the way, includes two freezers, two refrigerators, and 7 overflowing shelving units in the basement. But the idea of following self-imposed strictures quickly lost its luster.
I did spend less than I normally would have last month and I even was able to defrost and organize one of my freezers.
But I just don't have it in me anymore to follow the rules - even when they are voluntarily self-imposed.
Funny thing. I've noticed this month that I've hardly ventured to a grocery store and my grocery spending is crazy low.
Wonder what that means...