Won't Power

I've never been accused of having a rosy outlook on life.

I have a hefty helping of the curmudgeon gene, a trait that runs strongly throughout my family. Through the years, I've learned to harness this natural cynicism somewhat, using my force for good more often than evil.

It wasn't always so.

I wonder if a cynical outlook is a linked trait with depression, or if one naturally leads to the other. Perhaps they coexist only in correlational relationship.

I pondered this a bit yesterday while home alone. The girls were at an art class, the dog in her kennel, and I was wasting time working hard on the computer. I had already eaten lunch, but the knowledge that the candy bars I bought on sale a couple of weeks ago were sitting all alone in the kitchen cupboard began to haunt me.

I don't usually deny myself a candy bar when I want one, but I'm sort of in recovery mode right now.

You see, a little more than a year ago I found out I have hypothyroidism. Over the previous 5 years, my life had slowly ground to a halt, my depression deepened, sleep was non-restorative - basically, I was nearly nonfunctional.

The thought of going to the doctor had occurred to me, but I'd had issues with fatigue in the past and just didn't believe anything would be medically wrong with me. I did my typical pre-therapy soft shoe, believing that "it" was just me, a personal flaw, laziness.

I finally made it to the doctor, got on meds, and quickly, amazingly, began to feel better.

Last summer I worked hard to start to lose some of the 30 pounds I had gained, walking two miles a day, taking better care of myself.

By September, I was feeling good again, had lost 10 lbs., and was kicking myself for not seeking help sooner.

Well, along comes winter and I moved my walking indoors to the treadmill. In February, I broke my foot - a stress fracture - and it decided not to heal until early May. Meanwhile, no exercise, lots of stress, a dash of depression, and weight gain.

Again.

Last month I found out I had regained all the weight I had lost, was limited to walking only 15 minutes at a time, and was dealing with a fair amount of discomfort in my foot simply from daily living.

Back to the candy bar.

I find that for me, I don't so much need "will power" as I need "won't power." I won't skip my walk today, I won't just let the fur balls take over the house, I won't succumb to the darker side of depressive thoughts, etc.

Today's "won't" was not to eat that candy bar.

The one that now was sitting next to the keyboard.

Staring at me.

Taunting.

Daring.

Somehow I mustered the strength to resist by drawing on my childbirth experiences. "I won't take pain meds for 15 more minutes." And when the time was up, I'd tell myself the same for 15 more minutes.

It worked amazingly well, then and now.

I won't eat the candy bar unless I really want it after I read this article, after I take the dogs out, after I pick up the girls...

And the craving sort of piddled away...

I used my "won't power" again last night, choosing Diet Coke over Merlot. I applied it this morning to bypass an Egg McMuffin and stick to my Raisin Bran.

I won't skip my walk today, eat cookies, or have that milkshake.

What won't you do today?