Ponderings

So the other day, while I was taking a nap on the floor in front of the fireplace, I did a little thinking.
My first thought was that the floor is pretty darn hard, but I certainly wasn't going to waken Ivy, who was soundly asleep on the couch.
After that, I contemplated the passage of time and how when I was 24 I never would have thought this is where I would be at 45.
No, I don't mean on the floor.

When I was 24, I had been been married for three years and had my first baby. He just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. How could that much time have flown by so quickly?
At 24 I was just beginning the journey of motherhood and still had no idea that mothering would become my "purpose" in life. I was astonished at how deeply I loved this new little person. I had never experienced such a selfless love before.
It made me realize, also, for the first time, how my parents must have loved me.

I hadn't yet anticipated the mental health issues my children would face, let alone recognized my own. What I had always called "melancholia" would later be diagnosed as depression and anxiety, but not for another decade or so.

I certainly didn't anticipate having to climb out of debt in my forties, living in a "distressed" neighborhood, or having so much gray hair.
I didn't know how excruciatingly difficult it is to lose a parent.

Neither did I realize that my marriage would only grow stronger and that love continues to deepen as the years go by. I didn't yet understand how love is not finite, but expands to encompass each additional child. I didn't know I would have three more beautiful, intelligent, giving children and that being a mother was almost a "calling" for me.

I never thought I would have four cats, two dogs and 10 chickens.

I also remembered another time, sleeping on the floor in front of the fireplace with my old dog, Wally, when he was a puppy.
Nearly 10 years ago.

I am so glad that I have been a stay-at-home mom all these years. That my children spent more time with me, and I with them, than with anyone else.
And though I no longer believe in a god, I recognize that my life has truly been blessed.
I can't help but wonder what the next 20 years will bring.