 |
| Floyd knows exactly who he is: Gorgeous, that's who. |
I have devoted so much of myself to being a mom, a wife, an animal caretaker, and in dealing with chronic illness that I let myself stagnate.
I suppose I never really answered that iconic question of youth "Who am I?"
I just kind of avoided it as my life took off.
Who am I?
At 21, a wife.
At 22, a grad student.
At 24, a stay-at-home mom
At 26, stay-at-home mom of two.
At 29, stay-at-home mom of three.
At 33, stay-at-home mom of four.
Then I became a homeschooler, a sometime unschooler, a mom of high school kids, college kids, graduate student kids.
And while I hope to add grandmother and mother-in-law to that list someday (not necessarily in that order!), the pattern I've established is quite clear. I tend to define who I am through my relationships to others. There's nothing wrong with that, but I need to know who I am individually as well.
Now, I don't mean to denigrate my role of "mom." Being the mother of four incredibly intelligent, caring, funny human beings truly is the best part of my life. Being married to the man of my dreams is the most wonderful, amazing, truly fortunate thing that has ever happened to me.
But I'm 48 now, and my role as mom, though constant, continues to evolve. Let's face it, my kids don't need me in the same way they did as babies, toddlers, children, or young adults.
I love the relationships I have with each and every one of them. And we are a strong and supportive family that truly enjoys spending time together.
So why do I feel as if I never figured out what I want to be when I grow up?
I'm fortunate to be able to continue to stay home, and I still have a daughter in high school who requires a lot of chauffeuring, among other things.
But I realized that I finally need to do more for myself than take the occasional (alright, nearly daily) nap, exercise (relatively consistently) and read a book here and there.
Folks, it's time to figure out who I want to be for the next half of my life.
I had grand plans this fall, including two art classes, attending the nearby Unitarian church, joining groups, volunteering, joining a book club...
Yeah, it was a little too much too soon.
Real life intervened as the specter of mental illness crashed into my children's lives yet again. My train was completely derailed.
Things are looking a little brighter these days, and I've decided to acknowledge a few things about myself.
I am not a good "joiner." I need to try one new thing at a time and give myself permission to quit or switch gears if it's not a good fit. I haven't been able to force myself to attend many church services, but I joined a small group there that I dearly love!
I tried out the art class (one of them was cancelled), but recognized that I'm not comfortable "arting" in a group. Too much insecurity for that. So I've done a few artsy projects at home with my girls. I plan to try to increase the frequency of these artistic endeavors and just allow myself to enjoy the process. As my youngest daughter told me, my self-worth should not be tied to the success (or failure) of an art project. (How did she get so wise?)
I am the type of person who doesn't like being too busy. Creating too many obligations for myself makes me want to run and hide my head under the bed with the cats and the dust bunnies. And you know what? It's okay. I don't have to try to force myself to be busier than I want to be. I have always needed a lot of alone time (when in 6th grade I'd climb up into my closet and read the encyclopedia). That's just who I am. So I'm allowing myself to just stay home. I like it here, you know?
While I love to cook and love to read, I really don't want to take cooking classes nor do I want to discuss books. What do I want? I want to try to new recipes and challenge myself to cook from scratch even more than I already do. I want to take time - hours and hours - and just devour books. For myself. Now, if I could only solve that little problem I have of staying awake longer than a chapter or two...
I still haven't found my volunteering niche. I tried the local animal shelter with my daughter, but on our second tour of duty I came home with a kitten, upping our total to 6. Yeah, I know. Can you say hairball? The rescue league is not a safe place for me. So finding the right fit for volunteering is still high on my list.
I guess I'd have to say I am a work in progress.
While I haven't discovered that elusive answer to the "who am I?" question, I think spending the next 40 or 50 years finding out will be a pretty darn rewarding experience.
No comments:
Post a Comment