My girls are spending 10 days with my mom in Arkansas.
I'm the one who planned this time for them; a chance to have time with their grandma and company for my mom.
What I didn't anticipate, and should have, is the aimless drift of my days without them here. I don't know quite what to do with myself, which seems somewhat pathetic. As a 44-year-old, shouldn't I have tons of activities, hobbies, etc., to keep myself busy?
Granted, I could be cleaning my house, but I tend to avoid that at all costs anyway. I have done a bunch of cooking, and spent an afternoon freezing blueberries and strawberries. My husband and I have watched more movies than we usually do.
I can read, I can crochet - I have several books started and scads of crocheting projects to work on.
But I can't shake that feeling of purposelessness.
It reminds me of the first day of preschool for my youngest daughter. I felt so alone and didn't quite know what to do with myself for those two long hours.
I think what scares me about this is the knowledge that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. What will I do when my youngest leaves home in 7 or so years? I'm a worrier, and once I get started on this track, I can work up quite a lot of anxiety.
So, I start to look at graduate programs in the area; master's of education at Drake University, a master's of social work from the University of Iowa. But I don't yet feel prepared to dedicate myself to something so potentially all-encompassing as a graduate degree when my youngest is still unschooling at home.
So, I surf the internet (a lot), make a couple of pies, and bemoan the state of my house.
I miss my girls.
A lot.
4 comments:
They will be home before you know it! I'm sure you will have lots of interesting plans by the time your youngest is on her own. Just dream about what you want your life to be like. And maybe your husband will get an early retirement package? ya never know. Hugs, Heather xoxox
Let me know if you want me to come by to pay you a visit. My kids would love to see all your animals, and you, of course.
Thanks so much, Heather, for your kind words and offer of a visit! How about if we plan something once the girls are back? I know Sarah would love to see Holden and Camden again! I'm ok... just missing them!
That is a good idea. I miss my boys when they are not here or when I am gone for a few hours. I can't imagine what 10 days would feel like. I will be gone for about 4 or 5 days in July; My first time going anywhere w/o my family for longer than a few hours. So I understand your anxieties. We all have them. Take care!
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