Monday, December 28, 2009

Ouch!!!


After a slow November and early December, the ladies have picked up in their egg production. They're back up to laying 4-7 eggs, which is just about perfect. I have plenty to use myself and extras to give to friends.
Everybody molted last fall in September and October, and they're nestled snug in their coop. With the weather this cold, we have a heat lamp on in the coop and a device to keep the water from freezing.
The girls are really glad that Michael has taken over gathering the eggs and changing the water. It's a cold, cold job these days!
One poor lady laid the monstrosity you see above a week ago. To give you a little perspective, below is a comparison between jumbo and a regular egg.


Yeah, I know.
Ouch!


I finally got around to using the egg today and it turned out to be a double-yolk. I am so thankful for the ladies and the hard work they do for us everyday. A dear friend gave us meal worms for the chickens for Christmas. We need to get them out to the coop before all the worms die. Sarah wants to be sure each lady gets a worm, so they'll have to be hand fed.

Thank goodness for Michael!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Holiday-ditty-oddity

Or why I need a thesaurus and a dictionary to write my Christmas gift tags.


Nearly 8 years ago, I bought my darling husband a set of DVDs for Christmas. You see, we'd been watching The History of Britain on TLC or some other channel that entire fall. Now, it's a long series, with many, many episodes and we completely enjoyed watching them.
When we could stay awake, that is.
You see, we'd start out watching an episode and one or the other of us, sometimes both, would fall asleep before the end. When we'd try to recap for each other, we'd find we couldn't remember crucial details, like what happened with Queen Mathilda or exactly what led up to The War of the Roses.
Strangely, this only deepened our love of this series, as we could watch it over and over... and over again and again and it never got old.
So, the perfect Christmas gift for Michael that year was, of course, the complete series on DVD. I wrote a funny little ditty on his gift tag, complete with rhymes and references to Romeo and Juliet.

Wish I'd saved the little bugger, since that was the beginning of a FAMILY TRADITION. You know what I mean, every family has them. We have many, i.e. Advent boxes, hanging the stockings, the angel at the top of the tree. Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without certain traditions, and though at times I'd really like to just write simple names on gift tags, doing so would likely cause some kind of holiday horror, like Santa not coming or the hot chocolate curdling.
So, each year, several days before Christmas, you'll find me gearing up for a burst of creativity, searching for the thesaurus and dictionary. I decided to record a few of this year's gems for posterity.


For Michael:

Hark! The herald angels sing
Glory to this great new thing
Hook it up and watch amazed
All those choices? You'll be dazed

No more lonely nights downstairs
You and dogs are now prepared
View it to your heart's content
Never mind how much I spent

Glory to this great new thing
Watch the wonders it shall bring
Glory be to heaven on high
Look at all your money can buy

He got a Roku player for the downstairs television.

For Melissa:

Well, doctor, it's a new field of study...
but preliminary analysis of the data indicates
the torture and murder of simulated creatures
is but one small step away from... ack! ugh!
No... no... don't lock me in here ... HELP!

She got SIMS 3.

For Stephen:

Recycled though I'm not
your mom, she didn't plot
The eco option wasn't there son
forcing her to buy a new one
Still and all you must admit
She tried and tried, yet did not quit
Greenest green I may not be
Still, greener than CDs, you see
Mama tried, she fought, she parried
then she bought, a little harried
Still, a good price she sure did find
Gee, she hopes you will not mind

He wanted a reconditioned Ipod Touch, but received a new one.

For Sarah:
(to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy)

More than useful, ornamental
that's the gift I aim to be
Use me with an air of caution
Heat and style you're sure to see
Made to aid the artsy-fartsy
Creativity!

She received a special kiln for the microwave for making fused-glass beads.

Okay, as I'm writing these down, I'm realizing the need for that dictionary and thesaurus probably isn't apparent. You see, I lost a couple of the best tags, so you'll just have to take my word for it!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Very Merry


And a good time was had by all...


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Colors?



This is what happens when you let the guys mix up the frosting for Christmas cookies.
I don't know about you, but gray and purple just scream "Christmas" to me.


Decorating Christmas cookies is a family tradition. This year, we decorated early so everyone could participate before heading back to college after Thanksgiving.
And so that the cookies were made and decorated before Christmas this year.
Ah hem.


We have such a good time together as a family.



Oh, wouldn't that cup of coffee be good right now with a sugar cookie????


See that stack of unfrosted cookies? I made a double batch this year, so we had several stacks like that.



I used to have to encourage the kids not to "gloop up" the cookies with too many candies, chocolate chips, and other decorations.


You can tell everyone is older now, since our favorites have just frosting and colored sugar. I'm not sure making the cookies that early is a good thing, though. Zach took a couple dozen back to school with him, but the rest of us managed to demolish the whole shabang in about a week.
Yep, that's right.
I think that works out to 3 or 4 dozen apiece.
No wonder my pants are a little snug...
You'd think I'd learn from my experiences... but I have another batch of dough chilling in the fridge right now.
Zachary felt cheated.
What else was a mom to do?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Lap Dog


I have a lap dog.
The only problem is she weighs about 115 pounds!
Just try telling Ivy she isn't a lap dog.
These days, every time I'm downstairs she jumps on the couch next to me to snuggle and almost always ends up on top of me.
I don't really mind, though Michael gets a little miffed when I tell him there isn't enough room on the couch for the three of us, so would he please move?


She's actually a little St. Bernard, since she'll likely finish up no more than 120 lbs. Her mama was 160 lbs. and her daddy weighed 140 lbs.
I can't imagine.
We'd like to write a series of children's books about "Ivy, the Littlest St. Bernard."
Wally has gotten used to her and will even "snuggle" at times.


This is her spot on the couch.


She likes to be kissed on her "po' dots."



Sometimes it's hard to get your angle just right.
We've had Ivy now for just over year.
And what a year it's been!
But we can't imagine our lives without her.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Eerie Community


Late every fall, the crows descend.
They arrive by the hundreds to roost in the tall trees in my yard.
Apparently, crows used to roost in the countryside, but starting 30-40 years ago, began to congregate in cities.
I find it a little creepy to see mobs of these huge, black birds flocking in the skies over my house. Then again, I was probably only 6-years-old when I first saw Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.
Why do these birds roost together in the fall?
Ah, the mystery deepens.
No one knows for sure, but thoughts include warmth and safety, communication, and socialization.
Perfectly natural reasons, I'm sure.
But it still gives me the willies.

Monday, December 21, 2009

You can ring my bell...

Not allowed to sing, dance, play Christmas tunes, or do much of anything for two hours...

About 10 years ago (and believe me, I have no idea where all that time went ) I saw a great Christmas Advent idea in a magazine and decided to copy it for my family.
Thus was born the advent boxes.
It was great fun for little ones having a box to open every night counting down to Christmas. At first, it was easy: candy canes, pencils, Christmas activity books, etc. I must admit, the best use of the advent boxes was my own - for years I chose tree ornaments that I loved, placing 4 of each in one or two boxes. I never would have felt okay about doing that directly for myself, but hey, if it was for the kids...
But as the kids got older, 25 boxes full of kitschy X-mas stuff seemed a little... excessive. I mean really, an 18-year-old guy really doesn't want stickers and pencils any more, you know? Plus, my ornament collection pretty much filled up the tree, so... it was time to come up with a different idea.
So a couple years ago, I started letting the kids come up with advent box ideas of their own - typically activities, such as "Go to a movie," "Have hot chocolate and play a game together," that sort of thing.
This year, we included lots of charitable activities, of which Salvation Army Bell-Ringing was one.
Fortunately, I had the foresight to choose an indoor location and the day after the great blizzard found the girls and me ringin' that bell in Merle Hay Mall outside the Sears store.
For two hours.
Late in the day.
When no one was shopping.
Not the most thrilling experience we've ever had, but we did get a few donations.


Ringing a bell for two hours doesn't really help a migraine.


There are a lot of rules for bell-ringers, enumerated on the back of the Sharing/Caring sign. You aren't allowed to sing... if you do, only loud enough for the person standing next to you to hear, which in our case was probably a good thing.
You aren't allowed to bring a CD of Christmas music, either.
We did our best to follow the rules, though the time sure did crawl.
About 1/2 hour in, I remembered there was a Starbucks in the Target at the other end of the mall. I scrounged up some cash and sent the girls for Mocha Frappucinos, though I questioned whether drinking gourmet coffee while asking for donations would be appropriate.
Apparently, it wasn't.
The Starbucks was out of mocha.
Finally, our two hour stint was over, the kettle had a few extra dollars in it, and the three of us felt good that we had done something to help others.
Best quote from the experience "Smile. I think they're going to give us money."

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hopelessness

I didn't think I would be here again, in this particular place.
It's been years now that my two oldest children managed to tame their own personal demons and gained, if not total dominance, then great control over their mental illnesses.
Each of them was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorders and major depression at the tender ages of 10.
Now, at 21 and 19 years old, they are fully-functioning young men, in charge of their lives and imbued with the great desire to help others. Our oldest will graduate from college in the spring; the other is a successful sophomore at Iowa State University.
I gained control over my own demons over the course of about 5 years of therapy, therefore able to start my forties without the cloud of severe depression coloring my every day.
I'll never forget the day I realized my oldest daughter also suffered from mental illness. The signs of her OCD and anxiety were unmistakable. With trembling hand I called the therapist to report that she needed to be seen immediately... my little girl was suffering.
Nothing can prepare you for the suffering of a child. And when it's your own child, you feel helpless and frantic. A fear so primal it makes you want to scream in agony takes over as you begin the waiting, wondering, and hoping.
Her disease also manifested at age 10.
She, too, found help through therapy and medication.
But now, here we are nearly 7 years later, and the worry and anxiety seem more than I can bear. My little girl is suffering again and there truly is nothing I can do to fix it.
She's suffered from unceasing migraines for the past 7 months. That's close to 210 days with chronic pain. She's gone through several medication adjustments and changes with only occasional, moderate relief.
As if that weren't enough, depression has reared it's ugly head again, taking control of her heart and soul. She feels hopeless. Helpless. Scared.
Through it all, she's persevered, maintaining A's and B's (maybe one C) in all advanced classes. But the shroud of depression blocks these accomplishments from her view. All she sees is cloudy and dark, the lenses of depression filtering out the happy, the good.
There is no sunlight.
Only pain.
And I find myself in a place I thought I'd never again be forced to visit, helping my child through a maze of physical and emotional pain.
And trying not to scream.
But hugs aren't enough.
She will need more courage and strength than ever before to make it through.
As will her father and I.

I wrote the following nearly 9 years ago, in the midst of my second son's panic attacks. It remains an accurate reflection of a mother's fear and torment.
Of my fear and torment.


I’m being held prisoner. Like a tiger in a cage, there is nothing I can do to protect my young. I am not in jail and have never been arrested. But the walls of my prison follow me wherever I go. They are inescapable. My jailer pursues me endlessly, not even in my sleep can I find freedom. The agony of my situation makes me want to cry out in pain, to wail and keen, to tear my clothing, but I cannot even reach the tears. The pain has cut through my heart right into my very soul. Any mother would feel this way, for the bounds of my prison are my son’s mental illness.
How did this happen? Why? Could any God be so cruel to an innocent child? I question the wisdom of faith, for I no longer can have faith in anything. “Don’t worry, he’s going to be OK,” his therapist assured me repeatedly over the course of the last year and a half. But he isn’t OK. In fact, he is worse. Whose fault is it? No one’s. Perhaps that’s partly what makes this so difficult to bear. There is no one to blame, no one to point a finger at, to scream at, to curse.
I hold my son in my arms as he cries, wails and screams in the agony of a panic attack so brutal he feels there is no escape. His weight is crushing me, shoulders digging into my chest, tears soaking my blouse. And I remember holding his dear, sweet baby-soft, fuzzy little head in the crook of my neck. I can remember how he smelled, that wonderful, innocent baby-powder smell. Eleven years ago, when I held his peaceful little body in my arms, I never dreamed he would have to face such a demon. All there was then was the infinite promise the future would hold for my perfect little boy. Now, I hold his sobbing, hulking form as he screams for me to protect him, keep him safe, not to let anyone hurt him, and I wonder how much of that promise is now lost.
We are waiting for a new medication to start to work. Two-to-four weeks, we don’t understand why the symptom reliever isn’t working for him, we are stumped. Maybe you should get a second opinion. Never seen a child with this severe an anxiety disorder before. No comfort anywhere I turn. A strange reversal from hearing he got the best grade in class, was the best speller, earned the highest score possible in the music festival, Now he holds the title of “most severe case.”
There is no one to have faith in. We wait, fingers and toes crossed, for a medication to start to work. It has barely been tested on children, no one knows what the long-term side effects might be, how it works, or even if it works now, whether or for how long it will continue to work. I have no faith. There is simply nothing else to try.
It’s no one’s fault, I repeat as my mantra. It’s no one’s fault, I assure his grandparents, cousins, my husband. It’s no one’s fault, the therapist, the psychologist, assure me. I’m afraid you are feeling guilt over this, let me help you with that, the therapist says. Guilt? What is motherhood without guilt? I remember the time I forgot to send in snacks in first grade, the time we forgot to go to the elementary art show, all the times I have made mistakes as his mother. I forgot that he is the one who doesn’t like milk on his oatmeal, gave him his brother’s lunch bag, yelled at him in anger. This is genetic, they say. Small comfort.
Intellectually, I can accept that it is some cosmic joke, an error of genetic combination. But in my mind I go over every minute of his life, looking for signs I might have missed, ways I should have behaved toward him, things I should have said. I know it is genetic, but there must be someone to blame. I am his mother, I am supposed to protect him. Now, I cannot keep him safe. Safety. Look both ways before you cross the street. Wear your bicycle helmet. Buckle up. If the ball rolls into the street, don’t run after it. Never talk to strangers. Don’t use drugs. It was all so frightening, yet so simple. I could teach him to be careful, to be safe. Now I try to teach him to recognize the signs of stress before they become distress. Hold my hand, count as you breathe, go take a shower. I will keep you safe, I assure him. But I know I cannot. I have no more power over his anxiety than he does. I feel so helpless. So alone.
He cannot go to school. His teachers are understanding, but they don’t understand. How can they? This is so much more than a stomachache to avoid school. If he had diabetes that was out of control, or was laid low by a viral infection, or a congenital heart defect, his classmates would all have made him get well cards. But I hesitate to tell them the truth. If his friends know, will some of their parents no longer allow them to play with him when he is well? Will it become something to bully him about? Will they think he is crazy? Will he get well?
Are you sure this is real? his grandmother asks. She means well, and it is a valid question. She lives far away. And it would be so much simpler to deal with if he were “faking” something. But would anyone question whether an infection or other physical illness were real? Would you question the shortness of breath of an asthma attack or the fever of strep throat? This is a physical illness. His body chemistry is out of whack. The only difference is that it affects the functioning of his brain, not his liver, or heart, or sight.
Just as no one can truly understand how overwhelming caring for a newborn can be until he/she has a baby of their own, no one can understand what it is like to face mental illness without direct experience. I try not to expect anyone to understand. But I am so alone.
How do I even begin to describe the all-consuming, abject fear of hearing my little boy scream, “It isn’t worth it if life is going to be like this,” and to know, in the midst of his terror and desperation, he means it, Don’t ever say that, if you ever feel that way you must tell me, have you ever thought about how you might kill yourself?, it won’t always be this way, I will protect you. But I can’t. I can’t make it better. A kiss, a Band-Aid, a Life Saver, a hug. Not this time. I am afraid to leave him home alone.
You must search for answers on the Internet, you need to take care of yourself, you need to get more sleep. They mean well, but they don’t understand. I can’t even get a decent meal on the table, fold the laundry, fill out school registration forms, clean, let alone do anything else. The therapist suggests taking a candlelit bath with scented bath oils when I have a free moment during the day. Only a man or a non-stay-at-home parent could suggest something like this. With four children, a puppy, Brownie meetings to plan, therapy sessions, meetings, teacher conferences, and the weight of the world on my shoulders there is no such thing as a “free moment.” Plus, before I could take a bath, I would have to clean the master bathroom, buy scented bath oil, find candles and matches, put the puppy in his kennel, make sure my four-year-old is safely occupied, and these days, make sure my son was not headed for panic. Never mind having to clean the bathtub again to wash away the slippery oil, put away the candles and matches, and probably dry my hair. Impossible.
So I wait, and watch, and worry. Will I be an 80 year-old woman with my sixty year-old son still living with me? Will this medicine even work? What if it doesn’t. What if it works for a while, but then stops? What if there are side effects? What do I do if he has another panic attack tonight? Will he be able to go to school on Monday? What if one of his friend’s mothers calls?
My four-year-old daughter asks me why we didn’t go to the library last week. Her brother didn’t feel well. Will we go next week? And before I can answer her she says, “We probably have to wait until his anxiety disorder gets better, right Mommy?” That’s right honey. We’ll just have to wait.